Below I combined a hilariously naive list of actual things that I said during pregnancy and the honest reality that goes with them…..
‘I’m going to have a waterbirth without pain relief, I’m hypnobirthing you see’
Ha, I hadn’t considered the fact they wouldn’t let me in the pool due to risk of infection after my waters broke 24 hours before hand in Sainsbury’s (I’ll save that for another blog). In my head I had envisaged a spa day, in reality I felt like an extra on the set of Texas chainsaw massacre.
‘I’m not going to be one of those mums who post pictures of their babies on social media’
I’ve just counted 71 pictures of Jasmine on my Instagram, 71!! How self obsessed of me to think anyone wants pictures of her thrust upon them, at the same time – I can’t bloody help myself! Ahhhh!
‘I’m going to finish my novel on my year off, and maybe learn to bake’
Year off???? Year OFF??!!!! I’ve never worked so hard at a job in my life, it doesn’t stop at 5pm it doesn’t even stop at 5am, it’s 24 hours a day! I’m lucky if I can get dressed and brush my teeth let alone become the next JK Rowling or Mary Berry!
‘I don’t want anything second hand, only the best crib for my baby!’
I will level with you, if Jasmine had a good nights sleep in a cardboard box, I reckon I’d give it a go right now!
‘I think the night feed will be ok as I’m up quite a lot in the night anyway’
Ha, oh Marie, you fool! Nothing can prepare you for the nights (see my previous blog ‘will I ever sleep again’) imagine just drifting off and someone screaming in your ear WAKE UP NOW!!! Now!!! Now!!!! And continuing to do so until you’re up. This is every 40 minutes sometimes less…. the fun part is you never know, could be after two minutes of shutting your eyes, could be an hour! Russian sleep roulette! Nothing can prepare you for this. Maybe I need to invent some kind of night time boot camp that does this, or even better they give you a taster at anti natal classes rather than the ‘getting to know you’ icebreakers everyone hates.
‘I think having the dogs has prepared me to be a mum’
Let me tell you – leaving a baby home alone is frowned upon. I know, who knew? Can’t just pop to the shops or pop to New York. Dogs are allowed to sleep wherever they like really, you are not scared about sudden infant death syndrome or the only source dogs can eat from. Yes, they taught me huge responsibility and love as a mum but it’s a very different kind of responsibility.
‘I won’t ever cut my hair off in to a short “mumsy” style’
Cut it off, cut it all off! It resides in a messy bun on top of my head most days, my hair straighteners are in retirement and as for the colour, whole knows…. blonde grease anyone?
‘My baby won’t be watching TV, I don’t want her sat in front of a screen’
Honestly. She smiled twice during peppa pig so I’m taking that as a signal I can put her in a bouncer to watch an episode while I drink tea….or wine.
‘We will bring the babies crib down in to the lounge so she can sleep whilst we eat, watch box sets and unwind’
We will takes shifts holding the baby while the other eats and we are winning if we manage to rock enough while holding her standing up to watch a whole programme without interruption. Most of the time we pause the TV while she has a cry, Eastenders can take up to seven hours to watch.
‘I will probably put the in a bouncer in the bathroom when I’m in there so she can entertain herself’
Bathroom time is in general a no no. I can, if I’m feeling creative, have a wee. This consists of me angling the baby on the bed so she can see me, while I frantically entertain her like a CBeebies presenter on Prozac. Sometimes it works.
‘Her nursery is the theme of vintage Disney meets Nordic love’
Her nursery is the theme of Jumble sale meets Primark on a Saturday afternoon!
Share the message with all those pregnant mummies with the content smugness I once had!
“The course of true love never did run smooth” – William Shakespeare Act 1 Scene 1 – a midsummer nights dream.