I write this as the clock reads 5.15am, Jasmine hasn’t been in her crib since 11pm despite my efforts, the girl wants to sleep front down on my chest! Which got me thinking, am I really thriving or just surviving? Before I became a mum I would never think to tell a mum what a great job she was doing, consumed with thoughts about how lucky they were to have time off work and ‘how hard can it be?’ Or ‘it’s a life choice’. Before I became Jasmines mummy I never realised the power behind those simple words. You’re doing so well. Now I try and tell others all the time. I’ve thrown 100% of my life in to becoming Jasmines mummy that I’ve forgotten how to just be me.
I used to love trying new clothes but now when I’m in the city I look for clothes for her not me not to mention the fact I’ve hacked most of my tops in to something I can feed in! I shower because of convenience and eat because I need fuel for the night shift…..then the days shift and then the night shift again….. my skin feels like a pre loved shoe! I look at celebrities and wonder how they look so great? how do they have time to look so glamorous? To look like themselves again so soon? Instagram is literally crammed with pictures of mummy celebs looking amazing!! As I look at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror, I wonder am I really thriving or just surviving?
I want to feel nice again. But, then I look at Jasmine, does she care if I’m wearing cute jeans or comfy leggings? Or does she care if I have a full face of make up and perfect nails? Does she care if I follow a you tube tutorial on the perfect ‘messy bun’…. no. She doesn’t care. She cares that I’m here, that I love her, and that she is warm and fed. So when she looks back at pictures of us together I won’t be perfect in the picture but she will look happy and so will I.
“The course of true love never did run smooth” – William Shakespeare Act 1 Scene 1 – a midsummer nights dream.